Understanding the need underneath the behavior.
You've tried the sticker charts and the consequences, the calm voice and the raised one. And still there are the meltdowns, the defiance, the notes from school, the sense that you're losing a child you love to a version of them you don't recognize.
It's exhausting, and it's frightening, and somewhere underneath it you may be quietly wondering if you've done something wrong. You haven't. A child in distress and a parent at the end of their rope can both be doing their best inside a situation that has simply outgrown the tools everyone has on hand.
Here's the idea that changes everything: behavior is communication. A child who is acting out, shutting down, or pushing every limit is not a bad kid, and usually not choosing to make your life hard. They're telling you something they don't yet have the words for. Our work is to listen underneath the behavior and find out what.
What the behavior is trying to say
Acting out looks like anger, but it often runs on something quieter underneath, anxiety, overwhelm, a sense of not being good enough, a need for control in a life that feels out of their hands. The tantrum, the slammed door, the refusal to do homework, these are the smoke. The work is finding the fire.
Defiance is one of the most misunderstood behaviors there is. What can look like a child choosing to make your life difficult is frequently a child who feels powerless, unheard, or flooded with feelings too big to manage. Meeting that with punishment alone tends to turn the volume up, because the real need underneath is still going unmet.
School is often where it all shows first, the calls home, the trouble focusing, the conflicts with teachers or classmates. Sometimes that points to a learning or attention difference, sometimes to something happening socially or at home that the child is carrying into the classroom. Behavior always has a context, and reading that context is the beginning of change.
How I work with children and their families
I work with children and adolescents, and I start from curiosity rather than correction. Instead of asking only how do we stop this behavior, we ask what is this behavior for, and what does this child need that they can't yet name. When the underlying need gets met, the behavior usually has less reason to exist.
I also take a family-systems-aware view, which means I understand that no child's behavior happens in a vacuum. Children express what a whole family is holding, and the most durable change happens when parents are partners in the work, not spectators to it. You won't be handed a diagnosis and sent home. You'll be brought in, supported, and given a clearer read on your own child.
This is warm, practical, relational work. Drawing on attachment and psychodynamic thinking, I help your child feel understood, which is where regulation actually begins, while giving you concrete ways to respond that lower the heat at home. The aim isn't obedience for its own sake. It's a child who feels safe enough that they no longer have to fight so hard to be heard, and a home that feels calmer for everyone in it.
What the work looks like together
We start with the whole picture
Before any plan, we get to know your child in the context of their world, home, school, temperament, and history, and we listen to your worries as the parent who knows them best.
We decode the behavior
Together we work out what the behavior is communicating and what need sits underneath it. Once you can read the signal, the moments that used to feel baffling start to make sense.
Your child feels understood
In our sessions, your child gets to feel genuinely heard, often for the first time around this struggle. That felt sense of safety is what makes calmer behavior possible, not fear of consequences.
The whole family shifts
You get practical, doable ways to respond that lower the temperature at home, so change holds outside my office and everyone gets to breathe a little easier.
This may be for you if…
- ✓Your child or teen is struggling with defiance, meltdowns, or acting out, and the usual tools aren't working
- ✓You're getting calls from school, or watching your child fall out with teachers or classmates
- ✓You want to understand what's driving the behavior, not just suppress it
- ✓You want to be included as a partner in your child's care, with support for you too
A different kind of support may fit better if…
- ·Your child is in immediate danger, threatening serious harm to themselves or others, or in acute crisis, please contact emergency services or a crisis line right now (in the US, call or text 988) and see our crisis resources for right-now support
- ·You're looking strictly for medication management or formal educational testing (a psychiatrist prescribes and a psychoeducational evaluator tests; I'm glad to coordinate with both)
Good things to know
Is my child's behavior my fault?
No. Behavior is complex, and it grows out of temperament, development, environment, and experience all at once, not out of one parent's mistakes. What I can tell you is that parents are the most powerful part of the solution, and being here already means you're doing something right by your child.
Do you work with the child, the parents, or the whole family?
It depends on what your child needs, and often it's a blend. I work directly with children and adolescents, and because behavior always lives in a family context, I bring parents in as partners. Sometimes the most helpful work happens in how we adjust things at home.
Is my teenager going to open up to a therapist over telehealth?
Often more than parents expect. Many kids and teens feel less put on the spot connecting from their own room, and telehealth is well supported by research for this age group. Building trust takes a little time, and earning that trust is part of my job.
How is this different from just stricter discipline?
Discipline focused only on consequences tends to manage the surface while the underlying need keeps driving the behavior. My work gets underneath it, helping your child feel understood and regulated while giving you effective ways to respond, so the change actually lasts instead of just going quiet for a while.
You’ve read this far for a reason.
When you’re ready, a brief consultation is a gentle first step, no pressure, no obligation.
or call (626) 539-7290